Those Days

It’s those days, the ones where we feel as though we are passively watching ourselves live our lives.

The ones where you know you’re walking, talking, breathing, eating.

But you’re not really living all that.

You’re not feeling all that.

That’s exactly when it’s most important to look around you and see life, all the life around you.

That’s the day when you blast the music in the car or in your headphones. And DANCE!

Dance until your heart is pounding and your legs feel like jelly.

That’s the day when you step outside and FEEL!

Feel the life around you, the breeze that carries the love of someone from around the world, the pollen of a lily from a precious garden beaming with color, the reminiscence of someone’s frustrated screams to let go of anger.

Feel yourself inhale life into you and exhale the heaviness within you onto the world outside.

That’s the day when you turn on the TV and watch a sad movie or a comedy or a horror movie. So you feel yourself laugh, cry, connect with someone else, even through a screen.

Whatever you do, do it. Especially on those days where you feel you’re not living that day, but rather existing.

Our days are numbered and far too short to be wasting by simply existing, without dancing, laughing, crying, feeling.

So LIVE EACH DAY, especially those days.

When Pushed To The Limit

My, oh my! Have I gotten a huge slap to reality since my last time posting on here. I wish I could greet you all and say life has turned fantastical and amazing things are happening, but that remains as it is, a wish.

Between finishing up graduate school, facing several job interviews only to be let down due to the pandemic, and then ending up in a horrible job, I have repeatedly been hit in the face with the harsh truth of reality. And of course, I never expected it to be all sunshine and rainbows in the real world, but looking back on this year, I realize I have been pushed to the limit.

Well, I’m not sure if that is correct, to be honest. Because when I felt like I was being pushed to limit when I was struggling to find a job amidst the pandemic, I thought over and over again that I was at my limit. That I could handle no more than one more day of not having a job. I thought “oh my god, if I don’t find a job tomorrow, I am seriously going to lose it and this is going to be the worst it can be”.

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!

I was not even aware that where I am today, was even possible. I would never have guessed I finally reached my limit. I know this is my limit now because I have actually felt like I’ve hit rock bottom. As someone who studied in the medical field, I am aware of mental health and of how symptoms may present, the statistics of how many people suffer from anxiety or depression or mania. But it really never hit that I could one day feel as though I have lost my mental health state to a job.

We all know that work and school and life are stressors and they take a toll on us, mentally, physically, emotionally. But I really never knew how much of a toll it could be until I was finally pushed to my limit and could not keep a grasp on my mental health. I felt myself slipping further and further away from who I was, who I am, and who I am meant to be. I felt so exhausted, frustrated, and above all, hopeless.

Hopeless. This feeling of hopelessness is horrid. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. You find yourself in a deep, dark hole. A hole in which you cannot see the surrounding walls, no matter how far you walk or look in one direction, there is no end, no wall, no door. You try and look up for a spec of light, of the outside, a glimmer of hope. There is none.

My point? As follows:

-When you are at your limit, when you are at hopelessness, STOP. CHOOSE YOU. You have finally reached the point where you can no longer take care or pay attention to anything other than yourself. So focus on you. What you need, what you want. Take care of yourself because clearly, you’ve come to this point and no one else has stepped into take care of you. CHOOSE YOU.

-Know that whatever it is going on, you always have a choice. You are in the drivers seat of your life, so you always have the choice to move on, walk away, run back, or take a sharp left and swerve away.

-Get help. I cannot stress this enough. If even for a split second you think you need help, whether its from friends or family or professional help, ASK FOR IT and GO GET HELP! You will never regret taking care of yourself when you are in need of it. You will be able to look back and know, once you’ve finally surpassed all the obstacles you once faced, that you made the right decision to get help.

I hope this post helps at least one person who reads it, and even better if it helps another person be the one to reach out to someone who they know is in a difficult place. (*DISCLAIMER, I am not a professional therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or any one of that sort, just here to speak my mind and maybe help someone along the way*)

A Past Love, Now Expired

As per my last blog post, I said I have decided to do a little “series” or “column” on different types of love. And I had said there are many stages to love and many types of love. No one love is greater than the other and no one is exactly like the other. However, this is somewhat of an exception.

A past love, a love that has finished. One that you have closed the chapter on. Now it is of course not the same as any of the other loves. And you’re past relationship is not the same as my past relationship. However, there’s something about having a past relationship, an expired love, an ex, that brings people who have been hurt together. An ex is something everyone who has had a finished relationship can relate to. Having said that, it is still true although the relationship may have ended due to similar reasons, the people and love were different.

Nobody really wants to think about their past relationship, whether because it was horrible or because it is sad that it is no longer alive doesn’t matter. It is a time of hurt that you reflect on. And who here is a true masochist and wants to feel that pain?

BUT, this love is a part of who you are today. You chose to love someone and you were brokenhearted as a result of your decisions. You may have been betrayed, you may have tried to fight to keep the flame alive. Whatever you went through, you exhausted yourself. You may have dreamed up a future with this person, you made decisions thinking about that very future. For how ever long it was, you considered that person when you chose which outfit to wear, which road to take home, which song to listen to on your ride home. Little things, you may not even have noticed until after the breakup. When you find yourself taking the long way home to pass by his/her house, and that song that you played on repeat while dating comes next on shuffle.

Now this love has ended. Some have found closure, some have found a different way to love that person. Some loved their best friend and couldn’t lose that precious soul in their life so they chose to stay friends and support each other. Some could not even handle the thought of keeping that person around, being reminded of the hurt they suffered in the past.

Whatever your decision was, I am proud of you. I am proud you poured yourself into the abyss of uncertainty and chose to love someone whole. Love to the point where you were vulnerable and wounded as a result of your vulnerability. You are beautiful and strong to have given yourself to someone. To have created a precious connection between you and them. To have laughed, cried, and fought in that bubble that was you and him/her. You are you today because of him/her. And you are beautifully courageous to have recovered from whatever hurt you in that love. And I sincerely hope you have found the strength in you to continue to have faith in love.

CRUSHING, UNREQUITED LOVE

There are many stages to love and many types of love. No one is greater than the other and no one is exactly like the other.

One of the most purest forms of love, in my opinion of course, is a crush aka unrequited love. Unrequited love makes it sound so pathetic. And honestly, if you’ve ever crushed really hard, you have experienced unrequited love. And you know, it hurts. It hurts when you dedicate so much of your life to someone in silence, but because they have no idea, they go about their lives, never noticing you.

Now a crush in seventh grade may not be the same as unrequited love since high school following someone into college and further into adulthood. This kind of unrequited love, hurts. It hurts a lot. Because that person is moving up in life. Once you’re in college, your unrequited love faces the real world challenges, and often you might even see your crush moving onto someone else.

My point is not to show how much unrequited love hurts, but rather to show how beautiful and pure this kinds of love is. I’m sure there were days when you cried because you saw him or her with someone else, imagined yourself replacing that person, but when you blinked away the fog, it wasn’t you. I’m sure there were times you could only smile from a distance, because you weren’t their friend or you weren’t in the position to hug them straight out when something good happens. Whether you get the guy or the girl in the end does not matter, makes the situation different for sure yes, but that is not the focus here.

When you look back on it, it was beautiful. You managed to love someone for who they were, for what you saw and felt. You hung onto it, did not let it falter, did not give up on it for so long. You cheered that person on when they felt their lowest, but didn’t tell anyone. You felt the pain they felt and you smiled when they were happy. You became to in-tuned with that person, whether they knew it or not. You know that person, perhaps even better than they know themselves. So if that person was lucky enough to turn to you, they would have no lack of love and support. Because you know what they need, what makes them smile, laugh, their frustrations and their desires.

And I don’t say if you’re lucky enough to have that love reciprocated for two reasons. One reason being you are the one who loved that person before they knew it. You have been silently supporting, giving love, and caring for them before they even had the chance to acknowledge it. They would be lucky to have YOU! Not the other way around. The second reason being, most often because you have loved this person you are going to be giving your all because that’s all you know to do. They are just learning about you, what makes you tick and click. Unless this person has actually began to notice the things you’ve been doing for them and the silent love you’ve been sending their way, then perhaps they have began to love you in a crush way as well before the love “actually begins”.

Unrequited love is pure and innocent, it knows no limits. Unrequited love is such a luxury for the person who is receiving the love. And although it may hurt to be the one crushing on someone, when you look back on it, you’ll realize how amazing you were. How amazing it was that you were able to love someone, despite whether it was reciprocated or not. You showed your ability to be the most pure human-kind of human.

What are your thoughts on crushing, unrequited love? Is it pure in your eyes or is it cruel? I think I’m going to be focusing on love for my next few posts, if there’s something you want me to write about please do let me know!

That’s it for now, lovelies Xo.

Salud!

“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light”

Helen Keller

And honestly, Helen Keller could not have worded it any better. I’m the type of person who smiles in the movies when all the friends raise their glasses and yell “salud” or “cheers”. I love those cheesy scenes in Criminal Minds, Fast & Furious, and of course in Avengers when they all “assemble” and kick some serious ass.

Sure, I’m a Pisces, so I’m into my emotions and tied to them. But it’s more than just that. Even though I know its a TV show or a movie, I end up smiling. Just because I feel that happiness, that fulfillment of life. Looking at it from the POV of a third person, completely detached from the scene, you are able to see the happiness. You are able to remember the bad times and how the struggle ended in good times.

In my opinion, friends are so much more important than family. Friends become what is your true family. And if your family is true, they are also your closest friends. For me, family (in the traditional sense of related by blood) didn’t really work out. But I have family. I have people who don’t share a drop of blood with me, but would be there with me until my last breath.

While watching these scenes in Criminal Minds, where Penelope is having a rough time and Emily surprises her along with JJ for a girls night, and suddenly Rossi and Reid join in, along with Lewis and Hotch; There is warm feeling that I get. I see the love, the friendship, the love of family. And I immediately think of my times, when I hang out with my friends, and I can almost feel that same warmth.

My Point = Call your friends, your family. Grab some dinner or drinks, have a slumber party. Order pizza and watch Netflix. Gather around and watch the Superbowl, or play video games together.

Whatever it is, just be together, and walk through the darkness and the light of life together. Because when you look back on your life almost as though you were watching it as TV show, you’ll smile. Knowing, although you aren’t together in the same place at the moment, that love is always there. and you’ll SMILE. I guarantee that.

Life Still Goes On

In case anyone was wondering (you probably weren’t buutttt) I am finished with my surgery rotation (the reason I was so stressed for the past few posts)! And as usual, everything becomes more clear and seems so benign when you look back in hindsight. You’re in a different mindset, you’re not exactly in that situation any longer. So of course, when looking back, I realize I managed to survive and came out with good grades and such an enriched experience. I am overall more educated and skilled.

MY WHOLE POINT THOUGH, is that while I was stressing over my weeks of surgery, everyone else was still living their lives. People still woke up every morning, the sun rose and set, and the days still flew by. Now that I finally have a moment to breathe and see what is around me, I realize it’s already mid-November. LIFE still went on. I was still here, obviously, but it also almost feels like I missed out on a whole chunk of this year. Because I was too focused on my struggle. Not that I shouldn’t be focused on my goals, but I should not have ignored everything else around me.

I missed the changing of the leaves for autumn. I missed my dad’s daily laughing and yelling at the TV during Jeopardy. I missed the gorgeous fall sunsets where the sky splits from a gorgeous baby blue to a steamy orange with streaks of pink in between. I got the chance to sit down today, and for the first time in a while, just sit and just be in the moment. And I realized, life still went on no matter what I was going through. AND THAT IS IT.

Whatever you go through, you aren’t stuck in that struggle forever because life still goes on. And so all your struggles will happen, but you will make it through them all. And you’ll look back once it is over and realize you came out just fine. You may have cried multiple times, you may have lost someone special, broke up, bereaved, been fired, barely slept for days. But here you are. You pushed through, so clearly you’re meant to do more and strive through whatever else is in your path.

If you’re currently going through something, I want to tell you you’re going to make it through, life still goes on. You have made it this far, you’re surviving each day, and you’re going to struggle some more probably, but you’re gonna come out stronger, smarter, and SO FREAKING PROUD. Just wait until you can look back and in hindsight you’ll realize you’re a freaking warrior.

XO. (I’d love to hear about your accomplishments or current struggles and if you need an outlet go ahead and type it out! leave a comment!)

They Could Be Your…

I had an altercation this morning due to a car accident, where someone hit my parked car and I witnessed it. In this altercation, the person did not want to hear what I said, did not want to admit any fault, and just tried to intimidate me into cowering away. I didn’t, I ended up calling the cops to get everything solved.

However, during the times when the cops weren’t present, this man tried to push his view on me, tried to make me feel as though I was doing something wrong. When no one was around and I was just taking pictures of his vehicle, he decided to yell at me and try to scare me by saying what I was doing was wrong. He was being incredibly rude, condescending, and simply just judging me as some dumb, young, cowardly girl.

Truth is, I was scared to a point and I was alone without any assistance. However, I AM NOT some dumb young cowardly woman. But he continued to be aggressive in his manners and I simply just stayed kind and chose not to mirror his behavior.

But what struck me after was the fact that he, himself, has a daughter. Wouldn’t you want your daughter to be treated kindly if she were to be in this predicament one day? I am someone else’s precious daughter, sister, friend. What makes you think it is right to treat me this way?

My whole point is to just say that whenever something happens with another individual, perhaps take one quick minute to think about how they are someone else’s daughter/son, father/mother, sister/brother, friend. We are so quick to defend ourselves and that is fine, that is instinct. But choose to be kind to everyone because they are precious to someone else and they are a fellow human being who deserves to be treated kindly.

It seems like all that is in my mind these days is the struggle I’m going through with my clinical rotations, but in all reality, it does take up about 97% of my life these days. Just these days, not my life overall. But I’ve found that writing about how I get through it, or rather how I should get through it helps me a lot. Side perk also being that my words may also help someone who may be going through something similar.

These few months that are remaining in my program, I learned that I really just have to bite my tongue, grind my teeth, and move through each day, each hour, each minute. Granted, it is all easier said than done.

We all continue to whine and nag about how our days are so complicated and stressful. We have it the hardest, this year harder than the previous. Today worse than yesterday. Is it true though? AND even if it is true, are you the same person you were a year ago or yesterday? Or have you gained more experience, have you matured into a better version of yourself than you were a year ago? More often than not, the answer is YES.

Annddd more over, I’ll be the annoying person who says it… DO YOU REALLY HAVE IT THE WORST? As I look around my setting of a hospital, I realize, yes I am stressed and tired and over it all, but what am I surrounded by? Unfortunately sick individuals. Here I am, a healthy person, who is able to continue on the path to achieve her goals, and I’m surrounded by people who are bed ridden because they are ill. I should be grateful,
It’s not just where I am, but all around us. There are people who have it better, for sure, but there are always those who have it worse. And they somehow always find ways to smile among it all, so we should be able to do the same. So to be blunt.. Stop being a brat, and only focusing on yourself. Just do what you can, and be proud of what you’ve done today. And push yourself to continue doing more tomorrow. And that’s it. Don’t worry about the next day, the next week. Just focus on what you’ve accomplished today, and what you will do tomorrow!

Good is to come

It has been a tough year, really two years, but this past year has been the most difficult. As I’m nearing the end of the year, I keep complaining.

I’m tired. This is so much work. Haven’t I already done so much?! Ugh this is so much work!! Everyone else is enjoying their lives and I’m working all the time. I’m studying all the time.

And I almost bring myself to the point where I wish I had taken an easier path.

But then I come back to my sense.

I’m doing all this hard work, so that I can build a better life. These are essential steps I have to take in order to work towards my future. I’ve come so far and put in so much work, I can definitely hold on for a few more months and achieve another big goal of my life.

And on top of everything, it’s just a few more weeks/months and then I have so many good things lined up! And even better I have so many things to celebrate with all the people who have loved and supported me along the way! There are so many good things to come.

So for anyone else, who feels they’ve been working their butt off, nonstop, keep it up! You’ve come so far, and you may have so much more to go, BUT look how far you’ve already made it! You’re already a better person than you were yesterday and when you first started. And I can’t wait to see who you’ll become tomorrow and when you achieve your goals!

The Window

It’s the same view I’ve had all my life

The same two houses across the street, the same trees, the same sky, and the same electrical wires

This window has been my view for my whole life.

This window is my view through happiness, sorrow, anger, confusion, and simply just when my mind has nothing to do but wander about

And of course, as I sit here writing this, I am accompanied by the familiar view

It’s comfort to me, but also my first step into uncharted territory as I let my mind wander things foreign to me

As a kid, I would sit here and listen to my portable CD player, singing out the window to the world

Today, I gaze out this window to let my mind wander rather than spend another minute studying

To my window, my safe haven…

Thanks for always accompanying me